When You Know Better, You Do Better: The Beginning
Parenting is like being a navy seal, sniper, and missionary all at once. When you don't have an example to look to, being thrown into this new territory can be overwhelming and terrifying.
First, you focus on survival.
I remember when my first daughter was born. She cried at the same time every single day for 3 months. She woke up about every 50 minutes. She wanted to eat every minute, it seemed, and breastfeeding was so dang painful. Like many first time parents, I was also exhausted. Throw in a twist, like having her stay in the NICU for the first few nights of her life without being allowed to nurse, and you've got quite the start, and it's not the ideal one you imagined.
Get a good latch, they said. I went to multiple lactation consultants and they all agreed that the latch was right. Maybe it was thrush? Nope, it wasn't that. I rarely ever heard anyone talk about how breastfeeding can be incredibly painful at first, even if you're doing it right. Then, one day, it just stopped hurting...and she also decided she didn't want anything to do with a bottle! Talk about perfect timing. Boy, was I getting a taste of what parenting would be like for the rest of my life. It would be painful and perplexing, even in the moments when I was putting forth every effort to do it right. You can search for answers outside yourself, in someone else's advice, but the right answer isn't found in a single sentence response.
I prayed. I cried. I survived! My husband and I traveled through a long dark, exhausting tunnel as first-time parents. We came from very different homes, but they were similar in their brokenness. We were trying to fill our roles blindly. The only father I ever trusted was my heavenly one, but he seemed distant while I was operating on an average of 4 hours of sleep. Everything was foggy. I could barely see myself or my spouse.
(You understand. You can feel yourself sinking into the darkness of long nights, until you decide to rise in the morning with the sunshine that has become the face of the helpless, trusting infant looking to you for survival. Then you realize you have to choose strength or failure because there is no in-between. And then it occurs to you that you've always had a choice but this sleeplessness of motherhood has even awakened your soul, giving you a clarity that you didn't know before.)
You feel just like that baby! You want to be held in peace and reassured by the invisible God who makes himself visible in those few moments when you see the love reflected in your baby's milky and satisfied gaze. In those quickly passing moments, they are content knowing you will provide for them; they don't question when their next meal will come because they, somehow, know you will be there to provide and swaddle them in your protection. I had to depend on something to sustain me in my exhaustion, so I depended on God because He hadn't let me down.
People let me down, but not God. I wouldn't be here today if he let me down. My 2 daughters wouldn't be here today, either. I believe he gave me a boot-camp baby the first time around because I needed to grow, I can say that now. At the time, I thought he was only answering my prayer for a child. That would've been plenty for me to grow in faith. But he wanted to push me past my limit so that he could pull me closer to him. We can only be embraced by God in our struggles when our desperate faith allows us depend on him instead of our greatest human efforts which fail us before we've received the greatest blessing of a life well lived.
If he's entrusting me with a soul that is supposed to be molded into his image, then I must understand his wisdom before I can ever impart any ounce of it to my child. How I love my child is how my child will know and give love. That is the most terrifying and beautiful truth behind this blessed calling. I have to be spot on with my love, like a sniper. One shot and that's it; we only have 18 years and every day counts. I have to learn to speak my child's love language so that I can reach them, like a missionary in a foreign land has to understand a new culture and language to share a life-changing message. I have to lead them with wisdom in spite of the brutal wounds life unexpectedly imparts on every one of us, like a commander boldly directs his soldiers on the front line.
God's love has softening and sustaining properties, but I can only experience it after consciously refusing to let my heart be hardened by disappointments and challenges. This happens when I choose to forgive those who couldn't love because they didn't know how to. It'll happen when I accept that to fully experience sincere love, I must know sacrifice; the cross defined that. We were called to carry our cross and follow him. Pain and exhaustion preceded the resurrection, the greatest miracle.
I took Child Development classes hoping I'd gain some wisdom when my time came (it's a cute idea, but, no, that was definitely not enough!). I read books and looked for wisdom in the tired eyes of mothers who looked to their past experiences for answers. The only thing I ever learned is that I am my daughter's mother.
So, I started looking more at her, and where she came from. She came from me. But that wasn't enough. Where did I come from? Understanding the One whose image I was made in will fully answer that question. It will take years for that to happen because there is more than one answer, but he gives us a different one every day if we remember to ask him by praying before our feet, and their little feet, hit the floor. We don't have to know all the answers right now.
Remember that there is also grace. That is why he told us that perfect love casts out fear, and that love covers a multitude of sins. Our kids will know this when they see us believing it. He will give us enough love to get us through. He will be there to swaddle us in security tomorrow, when we are flailing about in our confusion, whether it's in the middle of the night with a colicky baby or at 10 PM while we're waiting for the borrowed car to pull up into the driveway with our most precious cargo.
Instead of looking for a simple answer, begin to understand who you came from (not where--we all come from a broken past) and, day by day, you will know where to go and where to guide them.
First, you focus on survival.
I remember when my first daughter was born. She cried at the same time every single day for 3 months. She woke up about every 50 minutes. She wanted to eat every minute, it seemed, and breastfeeding was so dang painful. Like many first time parents, I was also exhausted. Throw in a twist, like having her stay in the NICU for the first few nights of her life without being allowed to nurse, and you've got quite the start, and it's not the ideal one you imagined.
Get a good latch, they said. I went to multiple lactation consultants and they all agreed that the latch was right. Maybe it was thrush? Nope, it wasn't that. I rarely ever heard anyone talk about how breastfeeding can be incredibly painful at first, even if you're doing it right. Then, one day, it just stopped hurting...and she also decided she didn't want anything to do with a bottle! Talk about perfect timing. Boy, was I getting a taste of what parenting would be like for the rest of my life. It would be painful and perplexing, even in the moments when I was putting forth every effort to do it right. You can search for answers outside yourself, in someone else's advice, but the right answer isn't found in a single sentence response.
I prayed. I cried. I survived! My husband and I traveled through a long dark, exhausting tunnel as first-time parents. We came from very different homes, but they were similar in their brokenness. We were trying to fill our roles blindly. The only father I ever trusted was my heavenly one, but he seemed distant while I was operating on an average of 4 hours of sleep. Everything was foggy. I could barely see myself or my spouse.
(You understand. You can feel yourself sinking into the darkness of long nights, until you decide to rise in the morning with the sunshine that has become the face of the helpless, trusting infant looking to you for survival. Then you realize you have to choose strength or failure because there is no in-between. And then it occurs to you that you've always had a choice but this sleeplessness of motherhood has even awakened your soul, giving you a clarity that you didn't know before.)
You feel just like that baby! You want to be held in peace and reassured by the invisible God who makes himself visible in those few moments when you see the love reflected in your baby's milky and satisfied gaze. In those quickly passing moments, they are content knowing you will provide for them; they don't question when their next meal will come because they, somehow, know you will be there to provide and swaddle them in your protection. I had to depend on something to sustain me in my exhaustion, so I depended on God because He hadn't let me down.
People let me down, but not God. I wouldn't be here today if he let me down. My 2 daughters wouldn't be here today, either. I believe he gave me a boot-camp baby the first time around because I needed to grow, I can say that now. At the time, I thought he was only answering my prayer for a child. That would've been plenty for me to grow in faith. But he wanted to push me past my limit so that he could pull me closer to him. We can only be embraced by God in our struggles when our desperate faith allows us depend on him instead of our greatest human efforts which fail us before we've received the greatest blessing of a life well lived.
If he's entrusting me with a soul that is supposed to be molded into his image, then I must understand his wisdom before I can ever impart any ounce of it to my child. How I love my child is how my child will know and give love. That is the most terrifying and beautiful truth behind this blessed calling. I have to be spot on with my love, like a sniper. One shot and that's it; we only have 18 years and every day counts. I have to learn to speak my child's love language so that I can reach them, like a missionary in a foreign land has to understand a new culture and language to share a life-changing message. I have to lead them with wisdom in spite of the brutal wounds life unexpectedly imparts on every one of us, like a commander boldly directs his soldiers on the front line.
God's love has softening and sustaining properties, but I can only experience it after consciously refusing to let my heart be hardened by disappointments and challenges. This happens when I choose to forgive those who couldn't love because they didn't know how to. It'll happen when I accept that to fully experience sincere love, I must know sacrifice; the cross defined that. We were called to carry our cross and follow him. Pain and exhaustion preceded the resurrection, the greatest miracle.
I took Child Development classes hoping I'd gain some wisdom when my time came (it's a cute idea, but, no, that was definitely not enough!). I read books and looked for wisdom in the tired eyes of mothers who looked to their past experiences for answers. The only thing I ever learned is that I am my daughter's mother.
So, I started looking more at her, and where she came from. She came from me. But that wasn't enough. Where did I come from? Understanding the One whose image I was made in will fully answer that question. It will take years for that to happen because there is more than one answer, but he gives us a different one every day if we remember to ask him by praying before our feet, and their little feet, hit the floor. We don't have to know all the answers right now.
Remember that there is also grace. That is why he told us that perfect love casts out fear, and that love covers a multitude of sins. Our kids will know this when they see us believing it. He will give us enough love to get us through. He will be there to swaddle us in security tomorrow, when we are flailing about in our confusion, whether it's in the middle of the night with a colicky baby or at 10 PM while we're waiting for the borrowed car to pull up into the driveway with our most precious cargo.
Instead of looking for a simple answer, begin to understand who you came from (not where--we all come from a broken past) and, day by day, you will know where to go and where to guide them.
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